Building a Better Man: Week 8 & 9

Forty-five days until the first event in September and my calves packed up and went on safari. It takes all the power out of my workouts. My pre-workout supplements are of no help, because the body adjusts to them every 30 days, so I have to cycle off of them and by the time they are effective again, I’ll be in depletion mode. So no more Creatine, C4, or sodium. I was stage ready by week 8, so now I’m just circling like a plane above a blizzard-covered airport. So black coffee, posing and lots of fruit flavored Trident are what keep a lot of competitors sane during the dieting process. Some, like myself, like to take photos of the food they are going stuff in their faces after the show is over. As for me, I have four shows in 30 days, so that privilege will have to wait. I feel like I’ve already left earth, but have yet to reach the moon, but after the nerves are shaken off from the first show, my body will continue to harden after each show; which is a plus for me, as my last two shows are NPC and since I’m an all-natural competitor, my opponents may be a little bigger. Thankfully, to the trained eye, there is a noticeable difference between a natural competitor and someone who uses PED’s. So if the judges are looking for sharper definition, my body will lean out and harden much more easily than the waterbugs next to me who juice. Still isn’t an easy task at my size so I’ll have to be the little dog in the fight. Still maintaining a distraction-free training regiment, I feel confident that these four shows will leave me in a better place as I take December off to rest and bulk.

          But mark your Calenders…April is Vermont and May is Boston.  

Building a Better Man: Week 7

Let’s get the digestive stuff out of the way.  It’s totally understandable that some people get a uncomfortable about their dietary discomfort when it comes to eating clean and at certain times…hiding from family and friends, just because your body doesn’t respond well to either brown rice or maybe broccoli. Heavy changes in your diet, especially for competition purposes can have you hiding in corners or curled up in a ball; which can kill any good mood, unless the local symphony is missing a horn section. DO NOT FEAR! There ways to combat these issues. As far as your food, discuss with your nutritionist about what settles in your body better when it comes to broccoli, asparagus, cauliflower, spinach, etc. Also your nutritionist will normally recommend brown rice as a daily carbohydrate. Your body may have an unfriendly reaction to this as well. White rice never fails as a healthy and very simple carb whether you’re a competitor or a healthy dieter. But do discuss all these substitutes with your nutritionist before making the switch. Another daily need for most hard working folk is coffee or tea. If you’re competing, you may have to compromise your flavored creams or half & half for coconut milk, almond milk or just straight black. I’m a big fan of coffee, so I tend have a medium blend with some sugar free vanilla flavoring with no milks or creams. Coffee is not an enemy of competitors as it can support metabolism, but the second you add sugar, it will hinder your process, so consider Stevia ONLY. When it comes to tea, normally black or green teas are a high recommendation and aid in healthy digestion and are packed with anti-oxidants. Don’t overspend on your green tea, but consider Stomach Ease tea from the brand Yogi. This can aid you in preventing any unwanted experiences. For the ladies, a simple pro-biotic may be in demand. Whether it’s a pill or a chewable, it’s worth spending a little extra for the right supplement.

          It’s going to take a little while for your body to balance out after the diet change, but it’s all part of a much larger spectrum when building a healthier, happier, better you. 

Building a Better Man: Week 6

Finally, after all the early and exhausting mornings of empty stomach cardio, uncountable amounts of ab-work and internal mental battles, a giant burger is on the horizon for my first approved cheat meal and I'm proud of my physical progress as of this point. Believe me, this simple treat was well worth wait…all 13 pounds of it. Now that I have more of a sodium balance in my diet, my muscles have become more responsive to my constant lifting. To ensure that my body and mind are still intact, I consulted a doctor to make sure my joints and other levels are holding steady. However, I was also concerned about my emotional and mental stability in continuing to handle the intense workouts along with the food portioning, plus the stresses of daily life, so i've had a trilogy session with a psychiatrist so that I could properly reflect on the first month of training and prepare for phase two. Its important to me to know that no stone is left unturned in my training for 3 competitions all in a month of each other. Its incredible how much punishment a body can take and how much time a person has when completely focused on the tasks at hand. Going forward, I want to maintain an open book with the readers, its important you understand the challenges as I face them, because everyone approaches challenges with a different mindset going in and knowing your strengths and weaknesses ahead of time makes the transition towards the stage easier. For some this is a fun experience, others its an opportunity at a career, a chance to travel, for me...its all about being the greatest this body and mind has to offer.

Building a Better Man: Week 5

After 5 weeks of training the body, now is a perfect time to take a look back for a moment and remember how I started. I adjusted to the early wake up time, I adjusted to the food intake, I doubled my reps at the gym, I pushed through some very late nights of making sure everything was prepped and ready for tomorrow. Now after losing almost 15 pounds, gaining a six-pack and stupidly throwing a 100 pound dumbbell across the gym, it’s time to learn control. This is where people get overconfident and either get hurt or sidelined by other events. It’s important to know that not everyone is training for an event and even though they may not understand or agree with your course of action, you’re in no position to judge them or give them advice unless they specifically ask for it. You can only control yourself through this process and if you look like and act like a winner, you eventually will end up in a better place only because of your actions and not your words. Words have no meaning if you take too long to act upon them. People ask me why I shave my body or why I don’t drink or many other things and these are people whom I’ve never met nor have approached. I simply tell them I am competing in an event and trying to better myself. This response inspires them and gives me another reason on top of the many I’ve compiled over 5 weeks to persevere and achieve greatness every week going forward and know that through this whole process, If for no other reason, I will have finally achieved a positive attitude, a strong presence, a charismatic personality, and a body to be proud of. It’s not easy to break years of bad habits, but it’s not impossible. Achieve greatness and everything else will follow suit…never lose sight or hope.

Building a Better Man: Week 4

Now we’re getting somewhere! Without a doubt, week 3, in my opinion, is when most competitors quit. For those who stick it out and put every ounce of energy into each rep and listen to exactly what their trainers are saying, the results are more noticeable than a giraffe driving a Mini Cooper. Week 4 has been nothing short of a revelation for me. I’m starting to truly understand the time, the effort, and the cost of getting on stage. For instance, over a span of 16 weeks, your food bill alone is around 2000 dollars. Your supplements will easily cost you around 150 dollars a month, and unless you have a sponsor or a trainer you know well, expect to drop another 500 to 1000 dollars for a nutritionist, a posing instructor, and short term trainer.     

Still want to compete? You may not and I understand if it’s not for you, but my goal is to reach a level of greatness in myself that I once thought to be impossible, but it’s only been 4 weeks, so I have so much more to learn and that’s what I look forward to the most. It takes a lot of energy to talk a big game, where that energy could be better spent elsewhere.

            One may find when taking on a task as great as this, that time may become an issue, but that’s merely an illusion. You can get up at 5am and do cardio, you can abstain from temptation where it’s all a big distraction, you can do one more rep, you can prep all your food in a timely manner, you can ignore all the negative people that may slow your training down, you can do all this and still have a large role in the community, excel at your job, or be there for your family. In closing, week 4 was the most important so far as it has taught me some very valuable lessons in commitment. After attending an additional event this past weekend, I’m completely confident when my first 3 shows in the fall are finally upon me…I will be ready for every single one.

            No excuses, it’s all you.

Building a Better Man: Week 3

Finally, after three weeks of non-stop training, lifting, cardio, my trainers ordered me to take a day off. It wasn’t an easy thing to accept, but I stayed away from the gym for a whole day…only to blast through the doors early the next morning and hit the heavy bag like it owed me reparations from World War II. Sleep is still an issue for me as my muscles desperately need the rest in order to recover and calf cramps are becoming more of an issue.

        On the plus side, I shaved my body for the first time ever and it’s crazy the amount of definition that was hiding under a little bit of peach fuzz. After only three weeks, the visual difference is nothing short of impressive and as long as my body can hold out, week 5 and 6 will begin to introduce someone that was built for a competition like this. Following the meal plan has become much easier and abstaining from booze, bread and women has become less of a choice and more instinctive. As long as I keep my eye on the events and allow myself to be absorbed by it, I will have a moment of clarity that has escaped me for a long time. The mission is simple; in order to become a better man…you have to destroy the old one. Let’s get to work.

Building a Better Man: Week 2

Officially twelve weeks out from my first event in Maine, the first couple weeks have taught me a lot about the financial, physical, mental and emotional cost of taking the stage in front of hundreds, if not thousands of people. Although a fear of the unknown is a common fear for most people, it’s the fear of certain failure that I would choose to avoid. In the last few weeks, I have yet to miss a cardio day or a lifting day. Today till will be my first “cheat” meal in three weeks. However, it’s not exactly a cheat, it’s just a way to pump up your muscles so that your able to make more gains in the gym. I’ve learned the three P’s to get ready for these events. Prep your food ahead of time so that you have you time for other facets of life. Portion your food according to your nutritionists specs is extremely important. Don’t question, just do it. Posing is what helps you beat stronger competition. Someone could have the best physique on stage, but if they can’t pose, they won’t place…don’t let that be you. I have yet to learn what it means to “over-train”, but I’m assuming I will very quickly, but hopefully not too painfully.

          Oh yeah, one more “P”…peanut butter. Trust me.

Building a Better Man: Week 1

Tired after week 1? It’s as expected with the five AM alarm that’s quickly followed with a trip to the gym for a session of fasted cardio. The whole idea of this process is to trigger your body to start burning fat and continue burning fat over the course of the day. After dripping sweat for about thirty minutes with only vitamins in my stomach, I crush a quality protein to ensure that I don’t burn any muscle. It’s all a delicate balance.

            Thankfully, coffee isn’t off limits, I keep it black to avoid any additional fats or carbs that I don’t need. So my heart rate is going for sure, but the meal plan for the rest of the day can slow you down if you don’t eat the right carbs, proteins and vegetables. Most trainers recommend to prep all your food early in the week, preferably weighed out on a scale and placed in plastic containers, so you can just grab and eat at your specified time. I’m confident that in a couple weeks, my energy level will catch enough so that my workouts stay strong and my fat level drops while lean muscle builds proportionally.

The grocery list might look a bit different too. Say goodbye to sugar, it’s not like you needed it in the first place. If you absolutely need a sweetener, vanilla extract or Stevia are highly recommended. As far as my diet, if I don’t need it, I won’t buy it. Even if my trainers recommend a weekly cheat meal; that will also be built to their specifications.

Just remember all this is totally achievable, no matter your genes or current physical state. I think once someone gets a taste of the stage…they may never leave it. 

Building a Better Man: The Ascent

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The decision to compete is easy. Then what? What food do I eat? What vitamins do I take? When do I workout? How do I workout? Suddenly you’re thinking if the decision was a good idea. Unless your great at research, I strongly recommend getting a trainer. Someone who can meet you at least once a week to get you started and has successfully prepared other people for shows. Club trainers are mediocre at best normally, because they’re used to fat slobs rolling in every week to eat free pizza and whine about their kids. This week, I’ve met two trainers, a nutritionist, a spray tan lady, and a posing instructor. The schedule is exhausting, I’m up at 5 every morning and I’m on the treadmill by 5:30…It’s…. I started nodding off there.

     I walked into the posing practice to be met by a kid with four percent body fat and middleweight with the intensity of a charging rhino infused with Mark Wahlberg. I’m standing there, feeling suddenly inferior and my trainer comes over to me after some opening comments and goals, he started pinching every part of my body to get an idea of my figure. “I’m very excited to see how you’ll turn out.”, He said. I felt a little more comfortable at this point. We talked about the transformation and how I’ll be a completely different person before standing on stage in front of 1500 people. My main concern, at this point, isn’t the money or my commitment; it’s my body. Can it withstand the beating of putting on 5-10 pounds of muscle in six months while reducing body fat significantly and getting less maybe six hours of sleep a night.

     I guess in order to be the better man… you have to beat the old one.

IN A RECENT STUDY...

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In recent study done by various colleges, institutes and lobby groups, it has been determined that the following may have a negative affect on your health: cooking oil, cigarettes, drinking too much, drinking not enough, egg whites, egg yolks, red meat, white meat, sugar, non-organics, flat shoes, calories, action movies, religion, bright lights, no lights, peanuts, pet dander, pets sleeping on the bed, bullies, bullets, Tom Cruise, cruise ships, caffeine, being straight, being gay, fellatio, television, hand sanitizer, Kings of Leon, Ace of Base, Bologna, saturated fats, cell phones, home phones, phoning home, E.T., monogamy, tanning booths, selfies, stress, diet soda, cheese, non-ergonomic keyboards, fast food, slow food, online dating and the Jews.

            All this sensationalism has really killed my boner. Look at a newspaper or check out a news website. They’re no longer a source for information and current events, but a lobbyist driven marketplace that has less credibility than a politician who uses taxpayer’s money to fly his mistress around. If the crisis in Ukraine doesn’t interest you, than check out this video of Justin Bieber using racial slurs! If I don’t sound very trusting of humanity it may be because after almost a year of attempts to keep my articles sarcastic and light hearted, I may have simply run out of patience with the world and it’s over complicated liabilities. I’ve always been a fan of simplifying a process with the intentions of bettering the planet and the population that inhabits it.  So maybe we can think of a few ideas that will get the ball rolling.

            Nutrition labels on the back of products have become insanely elongated. I propose two categories. Say a bag of chips only contains potatoes and salt, that’s category one. If a bag of chips contains additional flavorings and preservatives, then instead of a long ass list of stuff you can’t pronounce, simply put “potatoes, salt, S$*t that may eventually kill you. That’s easy enough, right? What about television? We all obsess about what is safe for kids as they grow up to become immature adults on welfare. How about a simple rating system before and after every show they watch. So it’s either “safe for all ages” or “may cause your child to shoot up a school”. POOF! Now I have made it perfectly safe for your little angel to attend a public school.

            We all chase the American dream, but many folks don’t have the credit or money to take that next step from a studio apartment in the valley, to a four-bedroom cape by the ocean. How about instead of a number system that determines what your interest rate may, let’s go for something more concrete. The bank will look you up and it’ll either say, “you can totally afford this” or “stop folding clothes at Abercrombie and get a real job.” A little shame never hurt.

            Maybe if we had fewer rules, we’d have more fun. If we had less legal costs, we could afford to have better products and services, maybe if we put in more effort as a society, we’d have a healthier, properly educated population.

            We clearly have lost our way as a society, as functioning individuals. We overcomplicated everything to where nothing is fun, safe or wholesome.

            I think we’re in trouble…the question is can we learn from our mistakes in time?

Cinematic Bantering

LIGHTS…CAMERA…SEQUEL!
Let’s, for a moment, take money out of the equation. Why are we making all these sequels, reboots, re-imaginings, prequels, and spin-offs? Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of original scripts and novel based movies still making their way into theaters and homes. Interstellar, Jupiter Ascending, Edge of Tomorrow, and Snowpiercer are just a few sci-fi originals I can name off the top of my easily forgetful brain. So what about Godzilla, Transformers, Superman? I mean seriously, Taken Three? You would think the bad people had learned the first time. If someone tells me they have a “particular set of skills”, I’m either begging them for forgiveness…or I’m spending the night. I hope you appreciate that last joke, it took me about twelve seconds to come up with and my time is valuable, people!
   I’ve already voiced my opinion about the Superman/Batman movie. I have to draw the line somewhere. However, I was in theaters for ‘Man of Steel’. I was also present for ‘Godzilla’. As I said earlier, take money out of the equation. When it comes to most reboots and such, I generally tend to be an optimist, because maybe the originals were flat out terrible. The original Godzilla(s) were classics…and bad. The original Captain America films from the 1970’s and the remake from 1991 aren’t even on most people’s radar. If a reboot or a sequel is around the corner, I go in hopes that finally, it was done right. I want to leave the theater worn out, but pumped up, laughing, happy with the thought of money well spent. I left the theater last night and droves of people flooded out of ‘Fault in our Stars’ literally crying. It was a sea of dripping mascara and emasculated boyfriends. Why the f&#k would you spend twelve dollars to make you and your friends cry? If I want to cry, I’ll open my high school yearbook. I should burn that thing. I totally get why the ass-wagon didn’t show up for me until college.
Movies like ‘Transformers’ and ‘Avatar’ couldn’t have existed twenty years ago. The technology, production budgets, and foreign market weren’t available then. Even the cost of independent movies have gone up considerably, thankfully many of the high-priced actors are co-producing many of the indie-flicks you’ve seen today. Also film festivals are growing all over the world and movie industry has also begun to invade Comic-Con and of massive yearly conventions.
Circling back to what got this rant started, I’m totally cool and usually excited for reboots and sequels, plus as a viewer I appreciate the fact that production companies are spending 150 to 200 million dollars to make a high-caliber thrill ride of a movie, and not just throwing cash at A-list celebrities. It’s money well spent in my opinion, because it’s one thing spend you money wisely on a movie to keep the costs down, it’s another thing to be totally cheap and ultimately cheat a movie out of it’s true potential. Can you imagine how a low-budget Transformers movie would look?
One more thought I’d like to throw out there. Johnny Depp…take a break.
Hollywood can’t afford you right now. Your movies cost way too much right now and as you’re taking most of it, it’s killing your cinematic value. You’re bombing at and box office, with the critics and with the fans. It’s not your fault though. You just have to disappear for a little while. Say no to another pirate movie, lower your casting fee and ditch the scarves. It’s not that cold out right now so feel free to cut your hair and throw on a t-shirt.
We love you, Johnny Depp. We just hate Captain Jack Sparrow.
Can’t wait for Taken 3 though. Love me some Liam Neeson.

NPC Jay Cutler Classic 2014

Put that donut down. Donuts are for closers. What were you thinking? Did you honestly think that deep fried dough covered in glaze, sprinkles and broken dreams was in any way beneficial to your health? You haven’t earned that sugary treat yet! Oh and if your partner says your perfect just the way you are, it’s because they are too damn lazy to make any improvements to themselves.
SHAME! IT WORKS! Don’t let anyone ever tell you different. Now we awkwardly segue to how pleasantly surprised I was after showing up to a packed house at the John Hancock Theater in Boston. However, I will openly admit that after five hours of prejudging the contestants I was tired of staring at ass, abs and chests…and the ladies hadn’t even hit the stage yet.
It was 6pm and I was exhausted from watching competitors being exhausted. So I went home, only to pick up my photographer and return two hours later for the finals and snap over 250 photos of people flexing their muscles almost through the pores of their ultra tanned skin. Imagine 1500 spectators, 500 competitors, and one amateur writer sitting in Row C in front of a recently defeated competitor whose displeasure with the judges branded itself onto this persons face for the remainder of the evening. Normally the crowd accepts the verdict and applauds the winners, but not this time. A heckler was born that evening…directly behind me. I had a good laugh over his displeasure, the judges not so much. So what’s the big deal? Was it politics? Were the judges inexperienced? Consider spending half your life fine tuning every part or your physique like your own custom-made ride on the Nürburgring race track only to be passed by some young prick in a Porsche. Can you even pronounce ‘Nürburgring’? Can I? Who cares? The fact is that someone lost that evening and maybe shouldn’t have. Thankfully, this isn’t American Idol. Most of these premier physical specimens belonged on that stage and just the thought of their training and diet regimens are tiring me out.
Despite the competitor turnout being more than double from last years event, a crowded stage couldn’t hide the noticeable few that not only were “loose” with their training regiment, but were flat out disgusting when the bright lights made their cellulite all the more visible. Maybe if I was twelve Heinekens deep in a dimly lit bar at three AM, but not when I’m caffeine sober with front row seats to your inevitable embarrassment. My primitive side was quietly hoping for a public stoning. Do I sound shallow and abrasive? Well…kiss my ass. You don’t like the truth; write your own goddamn article. Just because you participated doesn’t earn you a trophy. I deserve a trophy just for looking at you.
Allow me to address the men’s physique class for a moment. What’s with the capri-like swim trunks? Every other class has to rock a slingshot that barely covers the crack of their ass, so why not the men’s “bikini” class? It’s only fair in my opinion that if the males in the bodybuilding class are judged by their overall proportions, than so should the physique class. It’s a small issue, so I’ll eventually get over it.
  Something that does give me a sliver of hope for the human race is how many competitors there were this time. Despite a few fatties with chocolate on their faces, the women’s bikini class was overwhelmed with worthy contestants and the master’s class (35 & over) put on a great showing as I muttered “Jesus Christ” in awe well over twenty times during the event.
One final thing to appreciate about this event, everyone has the opportunity to display their greatness. Whether you’re sixty years old or Octo-mom, if you listen to your trainer and do exactly what they tell you, the chance to shine on stage and establish a better lifestyle financially costs a lot less than over-processed foods and type-two diabetes. Start Stretching.

TROLLING FOR DOLLARS

If I had known obesity would be so common in 2014, I would have filed for patent if I had also known the patent system was so archaic and broken. Imagine heading to McDonalds with your bowling ball for a child and I hand you an envelope at the drive thru claiming that you infringed on my idea. “Hand over your fast food money, ass-munch, because I reserve the right to your son’s cellulite!”
Ok, so here’s the situation, a company based out of Texas (Not Texas Instruments) tried and failed to design a MP3 type player back in the mid 1990’s, opting instead to distribute their content via cassette. So they never successfully created the product or the software to operate it. So instead of getting a patent for a machine that doesn’t work, they were able to get one several years later that reads “A system for disseminating media content representing episodes in a serialized sequence” -http://fundanything.com/patenttroll.

for the purpose of claiming rights to podcasting…say what? Does that include music, news, entertainment and audio books that I download onto my iPod?  Does this mean I have to listen to Abbey Road in shuffle mode or backwards? Is Metallica going to yell at me again? (I do love the new album though, Lars.) But how stupid and confusing does this whole thing sound? What If I go to the gym and start doing bicep curls? Does someone own the patent to that workout? I guess I’ll do bench press…nope, can’t do that either. Well now I’m depressed, at least Burger King is open.
I understand that patents were originally designed to protect the inventor, but the whole system, although very outdated when it comes to technology, was designed to have balance. For a brief period, the inventor has protection so that other people can’t make money off the invention, but in exchange, the inventor has to explain how their design works and after the patent expires, the idea returns to the general public, therefore restoring the balance and further encouraging future inventors and entrepreneurs.
Now the idea of a patent troll is that they generally offer no goods or services to the general public, they may call themselves a holding company, but usually they don’t hold any real estate, additional companies, stocks or other additional assets to be sold at a later date, their patent cleverly worded with the sole purpose of extorting other business of their hard earned money. All this passed by a judge who clearly doesn’t understand the technology field and its impact on the general public’s ability to earn a dollar. The patent is too broad and never should have been approved. For example, Coca-Cola can patent their own shade of red to protect the design of their label, but they can’t own red completely. Crayola would flip its s#&t!
Now what you normally hear in the sensationalist news of today is when Apple and Samsung sue one another for design infringements, but you never hear a thing when they settle out of court with a patent troll for an undisclosed amount of money. They feel it’s too much of a distraction so they just shell out theoretically six or seven figures to make these trolls go away.
Let’s get back to the idea of whole idea of podcasting. It’s major upside is that people don’t have to deal with the man, the terrestrial radio, the network TV, the left wing or right wing political agendas. The original “man” was the overtaxing by the British government on American colonies, then it became big business, now its non-practicing entities which are described as “a person or a company who owns or buys patents for the sole purpose of suing companies or in this case an individual they claim to be infringing on their patents.   They do not undertake any usage of those patents themselves, rather their sole source of income comes from settlements they receive from threatening lawsuits and/or judgments they receive from actual lawsuits”.
Podcasting is one of the last few free avenues of entertainment and honest news. TV isn’t free, u pay over a hundred dollars per month just to afford Comedy Central and CNN, the other channels are filled with Kim Kardashian’s fat ass. And the cost of fighting patent trolls or non-practicing entities, the same as if you settled out of court, hundreds of thousands of dollars. In the case of Adam Carolla Vs Personal Audio…$1.5 million. How is this fair? What if these trolls win? After they extort profit-making podcasts with undisclosed settlements, they’ll most certainly turn their attention towards anyone with an RSS feed and an opinion.  By allowing these extortionists to roam free legally, you are RAPING honest Americans of their entrepreneurial spirit!
And its not like podcasters are outlaws or criminals, they have sponsors, like Amazon, or Legal Zoom, Dollar Shave Club, ProFlowers, Stamps.com and so on. So even though the service to their listeners is free, they are still great for business because the listeners trust the products that are endorsed and end up using some of them. This isn’t “tent city” in LA, where we just set up a makeshift community and pay zero taxes. They’re not homeless people, podcasters work for a living and have hopes and dreams. But if they are paying out to a bunch of fat cat scumbag lawyers, then pack up the microphones and give them to the patent trolls, because they certainly earned them with their cassette player that doesn’t work.
Patent Trolls are less than a bug, they’re parasites. And my official comment to these parasites. Go f&$k yourselves. You will not win. Positive Sarcasm, OUT!

Adam Carolla. "Save Our Podcasts Legal Defense Fund." http://fundanything.com/patenttroll. Adam Carolla, 25 Mar 2014. Web. 25 May 2014. <http://fundanything.com/patenttroll>.

Kirby Ferguson. "Rise of The Patent Troll: Everything is a Remix" 

Huge Thank you to Adam Carolla, Kirby Ferguson and many others. 

THIS IS COMEDY

What happened to everyone’s sense of humor? When did we decide as a country that it was best to sit in front of the television with a plate of ‘artisan’ macaroni & cheese and watch light-hearted comedies starring Zippy McFluffnuts?
Maybe I’m overreacting, but it seems to me that we forgot how to make fun of ourselves. We constantly attack comedians when we don’t understand their jokes and then we take them out of context when we try to explain them to other people; causing more misplaced outrage and ultimately the news sites run with the drama in order to get more clicks.
    For the large majority of successful comedians, perfecting just one joke can be a very long process. It requires hours of writing, research, open mic nights and constant club work at all hours of the night for very low pay in order to put together a solid hour just so they can be booked for larger gigs and make a living off their craft. For example, Doug Stanhope will go to libraries to do research so when he delivers a bit on-stage, all his information is on point, therefore allowing Stanhope to deliver his lines with piercing accuracy, regardless of how much alcohol he may consume before the show.
Jay Mohr openly admits that some of his best material is inspired by his lovely wife, actress Nikki Cox. Known for his impersonations of Christopher Walken and Harvey Keitel, Jay has reintroduced himself into comedy spotlight and besides a few bumps & bruises, is quickly regaining momentum with his diverse brand ranging from his days on SNL, to his very popular podcast, and his radio show on the Fox Sports channel. In order to receive a warm welcome at venues across the country, he spends a lot of his time churning out new material at the Brea Improv and other local LA nightclubs.
Nick DiPaolo has spent countless hours in small thirty seat rooms tweaking every joke to explicit perfection. His material is galactic in size and will either leave you laughing or bleeding…sometimes both. He’s strong in his opinions and angrily unapologetic in his delivery. DiPaolo, albeit a little modest about his comedic ability, can follow any comedian, close any show and crush any crowd with a single punchline.
       Bill Burr doesn’t give a s%#t what anyone thinks and don’t even consider heckling him at a show, for his wrath is famous and can shrink a person to near non-existence. He famously went on a Philadelphia stage in 2006 and verbally shelled a drunk and belligerent crowd after they booed off Robert Kelly and Dom Irrera. Years of practice, hard work and a Boston thick skin has propelled Burr to TV/movie rolls and has cemented his status as one of the most sought after comedic talents in recent years.
  In many respects comedians understand the world better than anyone of political or popular significance and much of their comedy translates successfully to various venues all over the world. My issue mostly stems from the fact that people are uneducated about the comedians they go see or listen to, and have become so overly sensitive to what is said onstage, that they take it upon themselves to either heckle the comic or retreat to twitter to express their “outrage” over a joke. The idea of a joke is that somewhere down the line, someone is getting harpooned. So in essence, every joke is offensive and if that’s the case, the golden age of comedy from George Carlin and Bill Hicks to Louis C.K. and Adam Carolla may be on the endangered species list. There are two things we look to after horrific events in our lives, sports and comedy. Comedy allows us to take a hard look at ourselves in a more amusing light and to understand that even the most horrific events in our personal timeline can be lifted to a more humorous climate if approached properly. This is how we move forward in life. This is how we look back and laugh at our mistakes. This…is comedy.

GET TO THE CHOPPA

I love testosterone. Love it. Naturally there are weeks where it’s so low that I find myself sniffing flowers and crying to Mumford & Sons, I’m so low on man-juice. Then there are the weeks where I chew on metal railings and punt babies over stop signs. It fills me with that primal awesomeness and I never want to lose that feeling where you hit the pull-up bar and as you look down, there is an imaginary city below your feet where it’s population bows at your greatness. Most men can relate to that Friday where you leave work and blast techno-metal in your 2-door Honda while puffing that cigar to celebrate your horny entrance into the weekend’s grasp. As you hit 85 mph on the highway and your front tires start to shake, you began glaring at female commuters like you’re taking notes on how to conquer their world later that evening with your Armani Cologne and stripey button down shirt you picked up on sale earlier in the week.
As the sun begins to go down, your body temperature only goes up as you go over the blurred battle plans in your head. You look in the mirror one last time before leaving your freshly Lysoled apartment. You’re hot s%&t. You know it. You’re so on fire you’re ready to do shots of lava and screw tailpipes. 
Any of this making sense yet? This is what testosterone does to men’s minds. It’s cheesy action movie one-liners and wingtip shoes that are so long, they tickle prostates if provoked. It’s a bio-chemical overload of borderline violent beauty and it needs to be protected from the political correctness that is steadily breathing down our necks. Yet many of today’s males simply trade in their masculinity for a coupon to Abercrombie & Fitch. Feel free to jack those hip huggers a little higher, there’s not a pair of balls to squish anymore. A lot of today’s hipsters and metro-sexuals fail to realize that a true man or gentlemen knows how to talk, how to dress, and how to be polite. He also knows how to steal your girlfriend or wife right from underneath your plastic boat shoes and post the debauchery on Instagram later that night for you to cry over. Testosterone can cause a man to do the most idiotic things in the public eye, but this same culprit can also force the brain to think faster with more calculations, so whether it’s winning a war or winning over a bachelorette party, that little hormone is the Spartan Warrior of your Friday evenings.
One of the most sickening sights I’ve ever seen is witnessing a man being dragged along through a department store by a woman like a small dog on the boardwalk and he never looks forward, always down or behind him as if either looking for the set of balls he dropped or if he can pick up a new pair along the way. Another crucial fact is if indeed you have met the love or loves of your life, your testosterone will naturally decrease a little bit, but rest assure if you stop producing all together, don’t expect her to stick around and cater to your nutless needs. Women may like boys, but they love men.
This last parts for the ladies. Do you want to know what it feels like when men have an overload of testosterone? Here’s your assignment. Grab these two movies “Predator” and “Rambo: First Blood Part Two”. Watch only the last thirty minutes of each film. Start with “Predator” where Schwarzenegger lights the torch and paints his face with mud, then pop in “Rambo” and start watching where Stallone steals the helicopter and lays down a trail of bullets, rockets, and sweat. If at any point during these sequences do you hysterically laugh in enjoyment of these Oscar worthy scenes, then you have indeed solved the riddle. If at the end you’re still completely confused at the purpose of these scenes, well…I have little use for you.

MONSTER MOVIES

Is it horror? Is it sci-fi? When it comes to those giant beasts that salsa dance with skyscrapers and squash cars like bubble wrap, they deserve a genre unto themselves. Granted history hasn’t been most kind to the genre filled with cheesy special effects, lousy acting, and a campy plot, but in the last ten years the rebranding of the most notable mega monsters along with the addition of some newcomers has reenergized the demand for these potential blockbusters. As we are still recovering from the sub-par monster movies of the 90’s, Let’s pay tribute to the recent box office winners that very well may have saved the genre from a slow death.

King Kong (2005)

With the exception of being the most adorable and most cuddle worthy, Kong had no problem squashing humans, swatting airplanes and punching T-Rex’s. For the last 80 years, the story hasn’t changed and is one the most tragic romances ever conceived. From the very first moment the audience member laid eyes on King Kong, there was certainly fear, but no hatred to be found as even Kong feared for his own life and had something more to lose, that for the love for one Ann Darrow.
This cuddly ape has made four solo trips to the theaters, with box office success on almost every attempt. If the death of King Kong taught society one thing, it was remorse for an entity that we didn’t understand and therefore feared and tried to destroy. That about sums everything in today’s world.

Cloverfield (2008)

From the moment it left Lady Liberty in ruins all over New York Harbor, there was absolutely no love for this ugly prick.  Apparently taking a crashed satellite to the head just off Coney Island, this beast awakens like Rambo on Angel Dust and instead of simply running red lights on a course for freedom, it tears through heart of Downtown Manhattan leaving the military little choice but to level all two and a half square miles of Central Park, allegedly killing the main characters off in the process. Since the movie’s inception, the monster and it’s origins have been shrouded in secrecy, to which much of its success can be attributed. Even after the conclusion of the movie, it was still purposely unclear where the beast came from and if it was in fact, destroyed. Many audience members had trouble getting past the whole shaky handheld camera display, but those who endured were rewarded at the end of the movie with a close-up shot of the monster…right before some poor bastard was bitten in half.

Super 8 (2011)

So what happens when you imprison a telepathic, spider-like alien the size of a four-bedroom house and conduct exhaust experiments on it? The result is no different than a dog that’s been kicked too many times by it’s owner. However, unlike the Cloverfield monster that this alien was rumored to be linked with, this little guy has and ultimately shows a soft spot for the main characters that discover it’s lair and when confronted by the alien, an E.T. moment ensues and you begin to root for the alien to just be able to hitch a ride back home, wherever the hell that may be. There are a few antagonists that get in the beings way and they are dealt with…swiftly. 

Pacific Rim (2013)

This was no horror movie by any means; this movie was aimed at action junkies who salivate whenever Transformers is are mentioned. This gang of city wrecking, psycho beasts from another dimension have their hands full when they encounter our walking PlayStations with missiles and fists powered by human pilots. The amount of CGI in this flick is enough to shut your eyes off for a week. With just over 400 Million in box office gross, a sequel may very well be in the works.

Godzilla (2014)

No other monster in history has been used and abused more than this lizard on steroids. It lost to King Kong in 1962 and it also lost to audiences in 1998 after mixed reviews shelved this beast from American theaters for over sixteen years. Well Godzilla is finally back and father time has not been good to him, as he seems to have developed a gut and maybe a drinking problem. So I’m assuming that when he wakes up this time, his pissy-ness will hopefully have reached a whole new level to where even the Kraken doesn’t want a piece of the fat old man.

ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDERLY CONDUCT

I’ll try to keep this short…keep what short…where’s that bird going?

            Do you suffer from PTSD? You have my sympathy. Are you an alcoholic? Please seek treatment and you have my full support. Do you have Attention Deficit Disorder? Now you’re just a whiny bitch. I’m sorry, are you one of the millions of Americans that suffers from a made up disorder? Not to worry, cause I have the cure! Find the nearest building over five floors, head for the rooftop, stand next to the edge…and hope for a soft landing.

            Did you make it? No? That’s too bad. I know your doctor was really looking forward to the annual visit so he can prescribe more Ritalin for your stupid ass. Originally a frying pan to the back of the head was treatment enough, like fixing the original Nintendo, you just smack it a couple times and poof…Tetris was up and running. Oh but no, you have a disorder because that Lego set you took two days to put together was completed by the next door neighbor’s kid, Albert Geekenstein in only forty minutes. Is science class so boring lately that you find yourself drifting off into dreamland? You might have a disease, or maybe your underpaid and mal-nutritioned teacher has stopped caring because her phone bill is past due and the inbox to her online dating profile is collecting digital dust instead of phone numbers. Has your job performance suffered according to the annual assessment completed by your boss? You might need a little magic pill to help you focus so you can bang out those reports faster…or maybe it’s because you’ve whored yourself out to the same underpaid and under appreciated job for the last 6 solar eclipses and instead of paying you, they pay their shareholders.

            YOU’RE NOT SICK, YOUR F^&#ING STUPID! You’re either stupid by not being able to figure out alternative ways to educate yourself or you’re completely gullible and you believe whatever the doctor, news and internet tells you. I myself may not be an honor student, but I won’t sit here and concede to having a skull softer than a newborn’s just so I can run to the doctor and have them prescribe me a time released capsule full of lies.

            So what if you’re a D student, so what if your job sucks, so what if your spouse is boring, so what if instead of sitting quietly on the park bench, you’re off in the parking lot chasing seagulls with a stick. That’s life! If you’re not a fan of it, there’s plenty of life solving pills for you to chew on located at your local gun store. You don’t need a prescription for that, but you will have to wait eight days per the law.

I’ll bet money that some of history’s greatest philosophers would be diagnosed with ADD in today’s society. Imagine Socrates on Adderall? What about Plato waking up every morning and popping Concerta? They didn’t do it and neither should you.

These dudes wanted you to be enlightened, not medicated. Taking a synthetic pill to enhance your concentration on a daily basis is as healthy as a homosexual going to a church group to “pray away the gay”. Be honest with yourself, because there’s nothing wrong with you, unless you eat fast food everyday, attend clan meetings or listen to Nickelback. 

    Take a week’s paid vacation, chuck that pill bottle into the trash compactor and let your brain start the healing process. It’s a beautiful world and sometimes being distracted for a few minutes or even a few hours is more than worth the time just to look at it. Being distracted is how I met the love of my life (***who I later discovered had cheated on me) and if that crap cocktail was running through my veins, my brain may not have taken the time to admire the view and for that…I’m glad I failed Geometry. 

                          Take the pills and shove them up your ass. 

(*** Article edited on 11/14/2014)

BILLION DOLLAR BANDU

War, famine, genocide, disease, poverty, climate change, how do we solve all the worlds problems? How about a Mega Scraper costing approximately 1.2 billion dollars built near the Red Sea in Saudi Arabia and over a half-mile high? Hell yes, who’s up for base-jumping?!

            I’m so excited, I’m ready to break out the Legos and have a party in my living room. Every technologically or architecturally savvy society since the beginning of time has attempted to prove their superiority through either massive armies or massive buildings and since The United States and most other first world countries have both, the Saudi’s are once again tossing their “hats” into the ring on at least one of those options. If you have never heard of the Burj Khalifa or have yet to see Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, the Burj Khalifa located in Dubai is currently the world’s tallest building coming in at a neck-straining 2,716 feet tall with about 162 floors. So if you fell off the top of the building, you would have time to write a poem, smoke a cigarette, and then use the cigarette to light your poem on fire, and then smoke it, before inevitably chest bumping the concrete.

            Now in what can be likened to a pissing contest between Ron Jeremy and Tommy Lee, another set of investors are about to break ground in the city of Jeddah overlooking the Red Sea. Still in the planning stages, the Kingdom Tower is proposed to be around 3,200 feet tall with an estimated fifty more floors than the Burj Khalifa, making the recently completed Freedom Tower in lower Manhattan seem like the pudd of four year old fleeing the cold pool water for his beach towel.

            As usual, the plans for another giant scraper have not been without plenty of criticism and doubt, financially and architecturally as it seems easier for people to take a negative approach rather than be excited for those who continuously push the boundaries of what can be achieved in defiance of gravity. Like comedy, I enjoy taking calculated risks, and if I had around a billion dollars floating around, whether it came from crude oil or olive oil, I wouldn’t be opposed to designing a building, ship, or car so big that it lands a cameo in a major motion picture. I’m a dreamer and therefore I support this project for its plausible success as a testament to human ingenuity, rather than hope for its failure.

            I remember being a little guy lying down in a grassy area where I could just barely see the top of the late World Trade Center. Now as far as building architecture, Towers A & B were the ugliest pieces of crap to ever grace a skyline, but it was like having twin sisters that grew from the ugly tree. They may not have landed all the boys in school, at least not the cute ones, but they were our sisters and we loved them anyway. They always stood together as if they looked after each other. So the threat of some ass-clown planning chaos and logging a little time on Microsoft Flight Simulator is still very real and shouldn’t be ignored, however it didn’t prevent New York from building the Freedom Tower (which is basically a giant middle finger to the terrorists) where our twin sisters lie. So if the United Arab Emirates and other financial partners choose to spend their oil money and erect a couple more super towers in the middle of the desert as a sign of strength, they certainly don’t need my approval, but they have it any way. I applaud the achievements that are the Freedom Tower, the Burj Khalifa, the Patronas Towers, Taipei 101, Empire State Building and the soon to be Kingdom Tower. I hope to visit them sometime soon and drop a little first world currency just so I can have a view of Tom Cruise ascending from the outside and if he deems me cool enough, fire me an action-hero like thumbs up.

            Hey, it’s my fantasy; I don’t see Salma Hayek out there pressing her cleavage against the glass, so I’ll go with the next best thing.

FOUR COURSE MEAL: PART FIVE

THE PURGE, REVISITED:

I tried not to over-analyze this movie too much, but in the end I couldn’t resist comparing this movie to the real world. What if all crime was legal for twelve hours? Well let’s compare the difference between what is possible in the movie and what is real life. In the movie you can commit mass arson, multiple robberies, and kill anyone in your path without being arrested. The downside is someone may take you out in process. In other words, move to Los Angeles.

I think if this scenario translated to real life, the majority of Americans would be too lazy to purge as they would rather watch it from the comfort of their Oreo cookie-stained sofa and after twenty minutes of a “Chat Roulette” like network of channels dedicated to covering this event of mass killings and cities ablaze, we’d grab the remote for something far worse, like ‘Keeping Up with The Kardashians.’

OFFICE MEETINGS:

We’ve all experienced the horror of corporate friendly key phrases, unfunny jokes that everyone laughs at, and presentations and updates that have nothing to do with your job. You just want the meeting to end so you can make a break for the bathroom, but every time the phrase “any questions” is muttered, everyone clams up in hopes of a fast end. Then that one Office Space receptionist-looking pain in the ass can’t help but ask the most stupid, yet elaborate question that takes all the air out of the room that was just exhaled from everyone else’s disgusted yawns. This jackass has now prolonged the pointless existence of this meeting for another ten chest-stabbing minutes. Then comes the follow-up questions, side topics, and now they have created more problems than if they had just kept their fat faces shut. DIE.

DATING TIP:

Listen up, men. I’m about to save you a ton of headaches, psycho text messages, and possibly a boiled rabbit dinner. It’s very important that you pay attention to the greeting of the lady that you just met off Match.com or whatever, because chances are…this bitch is crazy. The “tell” is in the inflection of her voice. If she seems a little nervous and her voice is light with a little softness, then you’re in the clear. If her voice has a swooping effect and sounds a little aggressive with wide eyes also being displayed, there’s a chance you may receive a text message a week later with your initials tramp-stamped onto her lower back just above a huge tattoo of Jesus Christ. In that case, pray she doesn’t puncture the tires on your Jetta.

STEPHEN COLBERT:

Apologies can make you look weak in the comedy world. Thankfully for Colbert; standing strong after the whole #cancelcolbert situation landed him one of the most valuable time slots in all of television. I give David Letterman a lot of credit for holding on to his crown as long as he did. Therefore his send-off will be heartfelt and memorable.

When it comes to picking the right man for the job, someone who can enhance the comedy world as well as defend it, Stephen Colbert is the perfect man for the network chair, so between him, Fallon, Kimmel, Conan and Ferguson, late night is in very good hands and I’m sure there will be plenty more controversy to keep me writing in defense of comedy for many years to come. Congrats, Stephen. 

AN ENDANGERED GENDER

Men…we might be in big trouble. All the Brad Pitts, George Clooneys and Tom Bradys only make up for a small percentage of the evolved male population and it’s only a matter of time before science and other political forces dwindle us down to a small section in the Smithsonian. I understand very well that women make life worth living. It’s been proven to me many times over, but men make life more fun. We’re impulsive, ignorant, greedy, judgmental, all great traits that ultimately lead to adventures, road trips and big budget Michael Bay movies. However, as a person who understands how a species can evolve to simplify its process in order to survive…that can mean lay-offs.

            When a large company uses terms like “streamlining” or “monitoring efficiency” or “reorganizing”, they’re basically saying people are getting s$%t canned.  The two main reasons are either the staffing costs are too high because some jerk-off analyst in accounting said so or because your job is obsolete and is now being handled by a more efficient process. There are over seven billion people on this planet. At times we’re overcrowded. Science is learning, technology is evolving. Women are far more educated, and control the job market, despite still fighting the pay-scale and discrimination. What’s a guy to do besides sit on his unemployed ass and play video games all day?

            As third world countries begin to evolve, political correctness takes a toll on individuality and religion becomes less a way of life and more of a hobby, the human race will begin to consider streamlining its very own process of continuing life without hurting the environment or succumbing to a massive epidemic. So we’ll have to reduce staff. You can’t limit the amount of children a couple can have like China does, that leads to all kinds of issues. So why don’t we turn the male population into a purchasable item? Makes sense, doesn’t it? We already have sperm banks and dating sites. We can just turn the whole “finding a guy” thing into a department store. We’ll call it “Mr. Right”. With a coupon you can get a free Ipod and a copy of Beyonce’s greatest hits. 

After you’re done with Don Juan Disposable, you can simply toss him out with your q-tips and sanitary napkins. Cloning, genetic engineering, automated machines, everything a guy can do besides get jealous, make stupid comments, and dutch-oven his partner will be reduced down to a simple automated process that allows the human race to proceed on a heavy diet of the ladies. 

            Still don’t think it’s possible? You think that sperm you’re so careless with belongs to you? It doesn’t. You’re a commodity, like bacon and orange juice; you could be bought and sold all day long on the world markets, unless you’re a crappy model in which case you will be discontinued. Gay dudes should take notice as well. Just remember you have as much stake in this as any male looking to save his ass from extinction. 

            Men right now are like a bad sports team in a small market. Our equipment is garbage, we refuse to practice and nobody wants to see us play.  The human male is in need of a makeover on a mass produced level.

            We need new uniforms, new coaches, new workout plans, new diet plans, better advertising that doesn’t make us look like idiots always raiding the refrigerator for Beer and Mayonnaise Popsicles. Men have to make themselves more valuable, in the home, workplace and in the bedroom. So a little cooking wouldn’t hurt and try not to set speed records under the sheets, learn a little strategy and maybe try a toy or two if you were cheated at birth by Doctor Snippenstein.

Maybe read a little Esquire, GQ, or Men’s Health magazine to give yourself a shinier edge to your casual male look.

Now look, men are men for a reason, they watch Rambo movies, build cool things, and listen to the comedy of Nick DiPaolo. All this stuff is extremely important, these are the core components of what drives us to act cooler, drive faster, and be funnier. The ladies secretly love that stuff and it’s key for when we finish building the male for the new world, that these pieces are embedded in his hard drive, because a human male can be manufactured…but his personality can not.