“I love the smell of bronzer in the morning.” –General George S. Patton

Clearly Ole Georgy Porgy was a fake baker and he wouldn’t be the last. Oh, before we begin, please spare me the Jersey shore jokes. At this point they’re low hanging fruit on the joke tree and I’m sure there is better material out there, especially considering if Snooki were to compete against these NPC physique ladies, they’d roll that loose pig off the stage in heckling defeat. Strolling through Boston Saturday after they cleaned up the Red Sox fans off the streets, some with handcuffs and some with shovels; I was excited to see what events would unfold during the evening. I’m glad I wore dress clothes, because every clown with half a bicep showed up in a “Smedium” to pack the 1100 seat John Hancock Theater in downtown Wicked-Pissaville. A source from behind the stage said it reeked of protein farts and body odor, because when you have competition tanner on; you can’t use deodorant/anti-perspirant for if you do, your armpits will turn green and the judges are opposed to any color that isn’t cocoa. Now I have to give these competitors props. The amount of training, mental and dietary discipline one has to endure on a daily basis in order to just get on stage and not be embarrassed is enough to bring every bodybuilder to tears near the end. It’s hard because the brain begins to play tricks on you after the amount water loss endured the week before the contest and then to have maintain certain poses for extended periods of time and flexing to the point of near physical collapse. One guy flexed is abs so forcefully; his pet gerbil Alfred briefly broke the sound barrier after being fired out of the contestant’s ass. This was no way for an audience member to lose an eye, but the SHOW MUST GO ON!

After the paramedics rushed the furry fart-ball to Mass General, the audience was joyfully introduced to the bikini section of the competition. Understand that it takes a lot more than rock hard abs and fake bing-bongs to win this event, u have to essentially ban all carbs and salt from your life for at least 90 days, not to mention monitor your water intake by the droplet. For the bikini, I recommend either a blue or a red color, but try to pick something that stands out. I have to state this because its chewing on my brain, if your man or woman doesn’t put as much effort on your wedding day as these people did at the competition, feel free to leave that idiot all champagned up at the alter and start anew. Criticize all you want, but at least I feel better.

Now the event lasts about 3 ½ hours, including several classes in the categories of Bodybuilding, figure, fitness, bikini, and physique. Now I originally thought this would be a little too long, because some of the women in the physique class would take to chewing on the pillars of the building. But all the female roid-rage moments were thankfully hidden behind the stage…the men not so much. One male physique poser (no names, we’ll just call him bitch-face) chose to bark insults at the sound guy while standing center stage after his music cut out in mid-pose. No matter what distractions may arrive at your doorstep, you NEVER lose your composure on stage, and that’s why bitch-face took third place in his class, instead of owning first. The judges do not like that and they made it known by where he ended up placing. You don’t go to a nice restaurant and shake salt n’ pepper on your 50 dollar steak and you don’t lose your cool on-stage in front of 1100 meatballs, lesson learned, bitch-face. Now 4-Time Mr. Olympia winner Jay Cutler was on hand to sign autographs, take photos, and pose on stage. The fun began when he walked off stage…into the audience…in his mankini. I swear women were going to start pulling out dollar bills as he climbed on the theater chairs and flexed his massive chest for every flashing bulb in the building, stopping in front of a wide-eyed 5 year old girl to shake hands, flash his tongue, and do a floor shaking chest pump dance as the two guys next to me went from six to midnight. Graphic? One could argue this point. Entertaining? I say its fun for the whole family!

I guess to wrap this mess up I would say, with all the health problems and dietary mis-information or lack thereof in this country, to see this type of physical perfection in all age groups where even the Monopoly Man Look-like had the crowd cheering and applauding his 60 year old physique as he passed GO again, was truly refreshing. So close this out, if you’re sitting here and reading this with one hand inside a bag of Cheetos, get up off your ass, wash your hands, and run as fast as you can through oncoming traffic, and if you make it thru without getting hit, sign up for the gym tomorrow morning and leave the cellulite behind.