THE PURGE, REVISITED:

I tried not to over-analyze this movie too much, but in the end I couldn’t resist comparing this movie to the real world. What if all crime was legal for twelve hours? Well let’s compare the difference between what is possible in the movie and what is real life. In the movie you can commit mass arson, multiple robberies, and kill anyone in your path without being arrested. The downside is someone may take you out in process. In other words, move to Los Angeles.

I think if this scenario translated to real life, the majority of Americans would be too lazy to purge as they would rather watch it from the comfort of their Oreo cookie-stained sofa and after twenty minutes of a “Chat Roulette” like network of channels dedicated to covering this event of mass killings and cities ablaze, we’d grab the remote for something far worse, like ‘Keeping Up with The Kardashians.’

OFFICE MEETINGS:

We’ve all experienced the horror of corporate friendly key phrases, unfunny jokes that everyone laughs at, and presentations and updates that have nothing to do with your job. You just want the meeting to end so you can make a break for the bathroom, but every time the phrase “any questions” is muttered, everyone clams up in hopes of a fast end. Then that one Office Space receptionist-looking pain in the ass can’t help but ask the most stupid, yet elaborate question that takes all the air out of the room that was just exhaled from everyone else’s disgusted yawns. This jackass has now prolonged the pointless existence of this meeting for another ten chest-stabbing minutes. Then comes the follow-up questions, side topics, and now they have created more problems than if they had just kept their fat faces shut. DIE.

DATING TIP:

Listen up, men. I’m about to save you a ton of headaches, psycho text messages, and possibly a boiled rabbit dinner. It’s very important that you pay attention to the greeting of the lady that you just met off Match.com or whatever, because chances are…this bitch is crazy. The “tell” is in the inflection of her voice. If she seems a little nervous and her voice is light with a little softness, then you’re in the clear. If her voice has a swooping effect and sounds a little aggressive with wide eyes also being displayed, there’s a chance you may receive a text message a week later with your initials tramp-stamped onto her lower back just above a huge tattoo of Jesus Christ. In that case, pray she doesn’t puncture the tires on your Jetta.

STEPHEN COLBERT:

Apologies can make you look weak in the comedy world. Thankfully for Colbert; standing strong after the whole #cancelcolbert situation landed him one of the most valuable time slots in all of television. I give David Letterman a lot of credit for holding on to his crown as long as he did. Therefore his send-off will be heartfelt and memorable.

When it comes to picking the right man for the job, someone who can enhance the comedy world as well as defend it, Stephen Colbert is the perfect man for the network chair, so between him, Fallon, Kimmel, Conan and Ferguson, late night is in very good hands and I’m sure there will be plenty more controversy to keep me writing in defense of comedy for many years to come. Congrats, Stephen.